


A Far Away Infinity

by SapphireSassenach



Category: Outlander (TV), Outlander Series - Diana Gabaldon
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-10
Updated: 2017-07-06
Packaged: 2018-10-01 17:42:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 20,819
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10195346
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SapphireSassenach/pseuds/SapphireSassenach
Summary: Modern Jamie and Claire are best friends from their college years with a passionate, but complicated past. Jamie now lives in America and Claire in Scotland. After five years apart, the past comes back to challenge them like never before.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This fic idea was just floating around in my head for a while and I finally wrote it. It will probably be around four or five parts. Let me know what you think!

The museum was busy for a weekday, Claire thought. She would know as she visited the museum at least once a month one her days off from the hospital. People bustled around her in hushed whispers around the gallery, gazing at the art hanging on the walls.

Claire stood back from the cluster of people, readjusting her sunglasses on the top of her head and squinting as the small text box next to the painting instructed to do. Art was one of her favorite things, though she had no creative ability whatsoever. Science was more her style, but that didn’t mean she couldn’t spend her days admiring others’ labor of love.

Museums were quiet and evoked a sort of peace in her, she had found. In contrast to the hectic ER, the museum juxtaposed the energy in her professional life. She would get lost in a gallery, tracing the footsteps of others and observing the other guests as much as the art on display.

Having been through all galleries three times, she decided it was time for coffee. Black and strong. It was a treat she always looked forward to at the end of her visit. A nice place in the museum café, looking out at the streets with a book for the next few hours.

She walked down the corridor leading to the main lobby of the museum, pulling out her phone and glancing at the lock screen.

Frank Randall

Just landed. Talk to you tonight. 

She typed out a quick response and pocketed the phone again. Frank was on a trip to London for the weekend. He usually came along to museums with her, though he preferred the historical museums more than the modern. 

They had been dating for the past three years, and a little part of Claire loathed to admit that she preferred going to the museum without him.

She loved Frank. She really did. He took care of her and loved her, but Claire couldn’t help but feel like something was missing. Or was she being unrealistic? They had a solid love, a comfortable partnership. Dependable. Frank had mentioned marriage more than once, he being eight years older than her 28 years. He was ready, but she wasn’t. 

Why?

Sighing, she glanced around the small café at the seats available and sighed again when there was a man in a beanie sitting in her usual spot. She shrugged her jacket tight around her in frustration and moved to grab her coffee, all the while glaring at the face hidden in their laptop.

Grumbling to herself, she sat her purse on the table behind her usual, hoping the man would leave soon so she could snag it. Her spot had the perfect natural lighting for reading and the one she currently sat at was uncomfortably close to the rubbish bin. 

Cracking open her book, she began to lose herself once more in “Wuthering Heights” and sipped her hot coffee.

Immersed in the world of Catherine and Heathcliff, she neglected to notice her phone buzzing until it rang for probably the third time.

JAMIE FRASER flashed on her screen with the photo of them together on the estate of his family’s home. She loved that picture. Faces pressed together, smiles on their faces from the crazy wind whipping their hair around, and the green valley in the background.

Quickly, she tapped the screen and held the phone up to her ear.

“Hello?” 

“I was beginning to think ye were ignoring me.”

The sound of his voice made a ridiculous smile spread on her face and her toes curl.

“No, not ignoring you. I was reading and didn’t hear the phone,” she laughed. “What’s up?” 

“Can’t a guy call his best friend?” 

“Oh, I’m your best friend? I thought that was Ian?”

He laughed. She missed his laugh. “Ian’s my brother-in-law. It doesn’t count.” He paused for a moment, “What are you doing?”

She glanced up and noticed the the man had left and her table was vacant. Scrambling, she put the phone into the crook of her neck and gathering her purse, coffee and book. “Just reading a little. Boring, you know me.”

Triumphantly, she deposited her stuff on the table and sighed as she sat down, settling in for another long haul. “What, are you coming home from the gym?” 

He liked to call her on his way home after a work out to pass the time and chat. Though, it was usually a lot earlier where he was. Time differences were a bitch.

“No. I’m rather annoyed though,” despite the statement, she could hear him smiling.

“Oh, about what?” She inquired, taking a sip of her now cold coffee.

“This girl just stole my table,” he said with a huff.

She almost dropped her cup. Without being obvious, she tried to scan the room. He’s not here, you’re being ridiculous, she thought to herself, but still, her eyes searched.

“Well, go steal it back,” she said, a little breathless. She hoped he didn’t hear it.

“Alright,” he laughed and simultaneously, she felt two hands clamp onto her shoulders. The familiar feel of them meant she didn’t need to check, so she turned and threw herself into his arms. 

“Jamie!”

He hummed into her hair, “Well, hello there,” he chucked, wrapping his arms around her tight. She remembered how they felt when he held her against his chest and when he carried her in his arms, and when he pinned her down to the be– 

“Happy to see me?” He interrupted her memories while stepping back to look at her.

“Of course, but why aren’t you in America?” 

She took a step back from his embrace with regret. His denim jacket smelled like heaven and she wanted to breath in the scent all day until she got drunk off it.

“I just came for a visit. I’m heading to Lallybroch in a few days, but I wanted to see you.”

An ear-to-ear smile spread on her face and she felt it flush. He smirked and wrapped an arm around her, grabbing her stuff off the table and leading her towards the exit.

“Let’s go,” he said, his nose accidentally grazing her temple. 

Gathering her thoughts, she made a few inches of space between their bodies, shrugging out of his arm. Don’t get close, her brain warned. Not again. You won’t recover a second time. 

 

~Five Years Earlier~ 

Tonight, the sky was lit with a smattering of stars that illuminated the walk to the pub. The inside glowed like a snow globe, a little bubble from the harsh Scottish weather. It would be cozy inside with multiple fires burning and some good company.

It was Jamie’s 23rd birthday tonight and she was here was to help him ring in the new year of life, along with a few other close friends from uni. It was also a premature goodbye party as graduation was approaching fast and soon they would go their separate ways into the real world.

As she walked in, rubbing her gloved hands together and sighing from the sudden embrace of warmth, she immediately felt eyes on her. She didn’t need to look around from hanging her scarf and coat up to know that it was Jamie’s eyes looking at her. She always knew what his gaze felt like. A spark of adrenaline, warmth and awareness was the recipe and she found it intoxicating. 

They had met as freshman and were close ever since. There had been an attraction since the beginning, but nothing ever happened between them. He was her best friend and vise versa, but he had had a high school sweetheart, Laoghaire, and he had dated her the first two years of uni. When they broke up –which everyone saw coming– Claire had already been dating André, a transfer student from Spain. Their relationship was rocky at best and lasted the better part of last year, but quickly ended after he moved back to Spain. 

But now, since the first time they had met, they were both single. Though, Claire felt sure that friends was all they were destined to be.

“Ah, there she is! And late, who would have thought?”

Smiling, she shook her head and butted her shoulder against Jamie as she took the vacant stool next to him. “You’re lucky I came at all, bastard. I do have an exam in two days.” 

His eyes crinkled as he smiled at her, which made her heart skip, and wrapped an arm tight around her. He poured her a beer from the pitcher the table had been sharing and raised a glass towards her. “Now, WE DRINK!”

“Ayes” were exclaimed around the table, from Rupert, who had already looked drunk to Gellis, who looked more than annoyed with him, to Angus, Willie and a few other faces ready to get pissed as Rupert was putting it. 

“Cheers, birthday boy,” she clicked her glass against his.

“Cheers,” he murmured, not taking his piercing blue eyes off hers as he took a sip.

Warmth pooled in her belly, but she fought it away with a gulp of cold beer and enjoyed the rest of the night without any feelings complicating things.

“SHE WANTED ME, MAN! BERDAAAAA! COME TO ME!” Rupert stumbled drunkenly while Jamie and Angus tried to shuffle his huge body into a cab.

“She didna want ye, Rup,” Jamie struggle to say under his weight. “She just wanted ye to leave her be. Yer drunk, man. You’re going home.”

Rupert glared at him while Angus got in the cab and pulled on him with all his might. Between Jamie’s shoving and Angus’ pulling, Rupert finally managed to get himself in.

Right before Jamie shut the door, Rupert pulled on his collar while looking at me with a cocked eyebrow and whispered something to Jamie that made him turn bright red. 

Glancing away nervously, she pulled out her phone and pretended to type something out while the door closed and started to drive away.

“Do ye want me to call you one, Sassenach?”

“Um,” she glanced up at him as he looked down at her. Damn that poker face. She could never tell what he was thinking, but she hoped that he couldn’t see through her glass face at that moment. 

The wind whipped around them, chilly for May. She didn’t want the night to end, to not see him again until next week after finals were over. And then what? Where would they be?

Time seemed to be slipping away too fast for her to catch it and it made her palms sweaty and her heart race.

“Hm?”

He moved a step closer to her to block the wind while she decided what to do next. She wasn’t drunk enough to say anything rash, but maybe had just enough buzz to do something daring. 

He rubbed a hand down her sweater to warm her. A friendly gesture. Did he only see her as a friend? 

Well, if he rejected her, she could just joke it off as her having to much to drink tomorrow. Or she felt bad he had no one to kiss on his birthday.

“Claire, do you want me to –”

She cut off his question with her lips.

He jumped slightly as if the feel of her kiss was the last thing he ever expected, ever imagined in that moment. He was motionless underneath her hands. Still as a statue. 

Gently, she released his top lip with the upmost reluctance, stepping down and looking at his unreadable face.

She knew he could read her own face in that moment. Her eyes were wide and lips parted still. She licked her bottom lip and his eyes watched the motion like a hawk.

Taking a step back even further, she pushed the hair from her face and looked down at her feet.

“You don’t have to say anything, Jamie. I’m sorry,” she stuttered and fumbled for her phone in her pocket while he still gawked at her.

“I’ll just,” she motioned back to the bar. “I’ll call a cab.” 

She turned sharply and wondered if she should stumble to make it seem like she was drunk for her alibi tomorrow. 

“Oh my god,” she muttered under her breath, watching it form a cloud in front of her. Caught up in her own humiliation, she didn’t hear his footsteps until she felt his touch.

Before she realized what had happened, she found herself against the cold brick of the bar, out of sight, in the dark with Jamie’s lips pressed urgently against hers. 

Gasping into his mouth, she did nothing as one arm snaked around her waist to pull her body tight against his. She felt his other hand weave into her hair, pushing her beanie off and gripped her hard. Her own hands dangled at her side as his lips and tongue urged her mouth open to him.

He pulled back to look at her, gasping for breath as if he had just run a marathon. His lips were red and swollen from her kisses, a curl of red dangled in front of his face and his eyes were heartbreakingly blue. The earlier mask was gone and all she saw was urgent hope. She had never seen him more beautiful. 

“Are you drunk?” He asked, looking carefully into her eyes. 

“No, are you?” 

“No,” he whispered, brushing a strand of hair away from her face, then cupping her cheek in his palm.

They starred at each other for a long beat, both unaware of what to do next.

It’s time to be brave, Beauchamp.

She licked her lips again and took a deep breath. “Maybe you can call that cab?” 

He stared at her for a moment and then his eyes flickered away from her as he shuffled his feet.

“Ok,” he cleared his throat and patted his pocket for his phone, eyebrows drawn together in either confusion or disappointment. Maybe both.

She smiled a little and snagged a finger into one of his belt loops, pulling him back against her. He jerked in surprise and look at her like she was a puzzle he couldn’t find the missing piece to. 

“But how about it only goes to your place?”


	2. Chapter 2

“So, how’s Frank?” Jamie asked, kicking a random stone off to the side and into the grass. 

The park they were walking through was busy with kids out of school running around and playing in the hills. The clouds had lifted and the lake they were walking around glistened under the attention.

They had spent the last few hours catching up about everything. How Jamie’s family was. How Jenny was handling three children, how Ian helped run the estate now with Jamie’s father getting older. How much he missed them. 

She missed Lallybroch. So much time was spent there on holiday with Jamie during college. She grew very close with his sister Jenny. She often thought of visiting, it was only a few hours away, but the thought of seeing Jamie’s father stopped her. She could still feel his words long after they had been spoken five years ago.  
They spoke at length about everything and nothing, but carefully avoided sore subjects, like significant others, until now.

She shrugged and stuffed her hands in her jacket. Frank was not Jamie’s favorite topic of conversation, so she didn’t mention him much.

“Good, busy, I mean. He’s in London a lot for research on another paper. I’m thinking about moving there. He wants me to.”   
He paused for a second and glanced at her from the side of his eye before continuing.

“Oh,” he said casually, kicking another stone. The mask was back and she had no idea what that meant. His voice was flat and had no inflection. Must he always be so mysterious?

“You think it isn’t a good idea?”

“I think ye should do what makes you happy,” he looked to the children skipping in front of them intently. The boy looked like he must have looked as a child. Bushy, red curls with tiny freckles scattered across his face.

Would London make her happy? She was from there and did miss it a great deal since she moved for university when she was 19. But now the highlands and Scottish people were ingrained into her as much as England. Maybe more. England had molded her, but Scotland had defined her. 

Instead of pushing the topic, she nudged his shoulder. “A bunch of us are getting together for dinner tonight. You need to come.” 

“Who?” He put a hand lightly on her back and lead her to a nearby bench.

“A few of my work friends, Joe and Mary. And of course, Rupert, Angus and Geillis.”

“Joe?” He asked, eyebrows raised in delight. She had told him many stories of Joe’s actions in the operating rooms while talking on the phone.

“The infamous joe. I can’t wait for you to meet him,” she laughed, picturing the two together, both men she loved but in such different ways.

“And how’s…what’s her name, Gena? The blonde?

 

She usually tried to block out any time he mentioned a girlfriend because of the irrational jealousy it caused in her, but morbid curiosity made her ask. And the fact that there was a lapse in Facebook pictures of them at the beach in California, which always made Claire a little ill to see.

“Geneva and that’s done,” he spoke shortly. Not a great end to a relationship it sounded like.

“Really? Why?”

“Just didn’t work out,” he shook his head and scrolled through his phone, uninterested.

“Ok…” she mumbled, tapping her fingers on the bench, squinting to watch an older couple feed ducks on the edge of the lake. 

The vibration of her pager ended the tense silence a few minutes later. Groaning, she pulled it out and laid her head on the back of the bench.

“It’s the hospital,” she grumbled. “I’ve got to go.” 

“Thought it was your day off,” he commented, standing and groaning as he stretched and offered her a hand, helping her up.

“No rest for interns, I’m afraid,” she hesitated before requesting a ride off her app. “So, you’re coming tonight?”

“Wouldn’t miss it for the world,” he leaned down and hugged her, squeezing hard, making her laugh. She kissed his ear, delighting in his shiver.

“Tonight.”

 

After a long few hours of being stuck in an operating room, she was ready for the night. A night to reminisce, to remember. As she walked from the car, she wondered if Jamie would remember their night together. It had been on her mind so much since she had seen him. But if she was being honest, it had been on her mind for five long years. They had never spoken of it in five years. She desperately wanted to, but didn’t know why. Perhaps, she wanted to relive it in someway. Relive the passion she had felt and had never felt again.

Butterflies scattered in her stomach when she saw Jamie as she came into view of their little party gathered outside the restaurant. He was wearing a black leather jacket. The same jacket that he wore the night that they had spent together so long ago. It fit him as well as it did then. Maybe better now as his muscles were more toned from all his gym time than they were back then.

In that moment, she knew he would age like a fine wine, always getting better with every year. The image of him standing by the bar wearing it had her drunk on memories. A small part of her wondered if he had worn in on purpose, but she didn’t really think guys remembered stuff like that.   
“You’ve had that jacket a long while,” she remarked while coming to stand next to him, hoping to god that she wasn’t blushing.

“Aye, its served me well in the past,” he said casually, leaning down to kiss her cheek in greeting. His scruff rubbed against her cheek, the sensation going straight to her lower stomach. She closed her eyes as he lingered for a moment too long, smelling the sweet, cinnamon scent of him. 

“Jamie!”

Rupert’s voice could have been heard across Glasgow with its loudness. He ran up and grabbed Jamie in a bear hug, both sporting ridiculous grins on their faces.

“Rupert, man! How are ye?”

Rupert stepped back and grabbed Jamie’s shoulders to look at him. “A trifle worse than ye, man. California has done ye well.”

Jamie smiled back at him as Angus snapped a selfie of all the boys reunited.

She and Geillis walked past them and turned the corner to the restaurant. “You boys can catch up inside. I’m starving.” 

She turned the corner with Jamie on her heels and stopped abruptly when she saw a familiar face in front of the door.

“Frank?” Her voice was filled with shock as she spotted his familiar face with his usual sport coat and glasses, leaning casually on a pillar outside the front door of the restaurant.

He looked up from his phone at her voice and smiled, but the smile quickly disappeared as he spotted Jamie’s tall figure next to her.

“But I thought you were in London?” She asked as he walked up to her, nodding to the group behind her. They had all met him multiple times before, but whether they were fond of him was a different story.

“Well, I wanted to surprise you. Mary told me that you all would be here tonight,” he said as he grabbed her hand in greeting.

She glanced back at Mary in Rupert’s arms. Mary smiled at her, waving enthusiastically and giggling to Sarah, another intern Claire worked with. Odd.

Frank suddenly pulled her to him and kissed her hard. She made a noise of surprise and pushed him away slightly, embarrassed. Frank hated PDA and almost never kissed her in public. Something was off, but she couldn’t put her finger on it. The energy was almost electric, as if someone stepped an inch off course, there would be a fire.

Wiping her lips discreetly, she turned to Jamie next to her.

“Jamie, this is frank. Frank, this is Jamie, my old friend from college,” she stated as causally as she could. Frank knew a little about their history, but not exactly the whole story. 

“She speaks fondly of you,” Frank said while reaching out to shake his hand. Jamie reached out and took his hand firmly. She thought she heard Frank wince a little.

“Nice to meet ye,” Jamie said, staring him down with an odd twinkle in his eye.

“Shall we go in?” She said loudly, wanting to be anywhere but where she was.

“After you,” Jamie motioned to Frank. Frank huffed and grabbed her around the waist while tugging her inside.

It would be an interesting night.

“Claire tells me you’re really dedicated to the gym,” Frank said while sipping his red wine. “Not something I find incredibly interesting to be honest. I’d rather be in a museum myself,” Frank turned towards her and winked. “Right, sweetheart?” 

Instead of answering his question, she deflected. “Jamie’s in publishing. An editor. The youngest ever in the company. He’s also a published author,” she said proudly, watching Jamie turn red from the praise.

He smiled tightly and nodded a little, taking a large drink of his whiskey.

“Ah, then we might have one thing in common after all,” Frank smirked, snagging a piece of bread in front of him while Jamie glared. 

“California’s been good to him,” she smiled at Jamie to calm him. “He got an opportunity of a lifetime and hasn’t made a wrong move yet.”

Jamie looked at her then, a look she didn’t understand. Or maybe she did. His eyes were sad and he shook his head at her, twisting his hands together and finishing off the last of his drink, motioning for the waiter to bring him another.

Frank cleared his throat and began to talk to Mary, wanting to get away from the awkward pause. But she had no mind for that, all she did was try and understand a man that had everything but still wasn’t happy. Did he regret choosing to move? Did he want to come back?

Her mind raced with endless questions the rest of the dinner while Jamie continued to act. 

After desert was served and everyone was pleasantly warm from their drinks, Frank stood up and tapped his wine glass to get everyone’s attention.

“Claire,” he grabbed her hand in both of his, holding them together. Her heart pounded and she felt slightly sick. “I’ve wanted to do this for a long while and I couldn’t think of a better place than with all your friends gathered around us.”

Blinking hard at him in disbelief, she slowly put down her glass. He couldn’t be…could he?

Frank smiled at her and reached into his pocket, pulling out a velvet black box.

“I love you and I want to build a life with you. These last three years have made me so happy. Will you do me the honor of marrying me?”

Shock paralyzed everything but her eyes. Breathing hard and sweating, she looked from Frank to around the table. Mary seemed to have known this was coming, Joe looked suddenly very interested in his napkin. Rupert – always lighthearted – had his brows drawn together in thought as he glanced at Jamie, which drew her eyes to his face.

His mask was there, but was faltering greatly and it broke her. His mouth tried to smile for her, but his eyes couldn’t, they burned into hers like fire, retracing his hold on her. Blue depths begged her to say no as they glistened in fear that she would accept this new life, but what say should he have? He lived an ocean away.  
The feel of Frank holding a ring to her finger, ready and poised for an acceptance, startled her back to reality. A reality where Jamie wasn’t hers and never would be.

“I,” She stuttered, looking down at the ring, sparking brightly in the dim light. “Frank, –

 

~Five Years Earlier~  
The cab ride to Jaime’s apartment was a blur of feeling. She spent half of the twenty-minute ride in Jamie’s lap with her tongue in his mouth and his hands on her ass until the driver shouted at them that no sex was allowed in his cab.

Pulling apart, they both looked at each other, faces only a half an inch away. Lips swollen and breath ragged. Jamie smiled and bumped her nose with his, kissing her right behind the ear, which made her shiver in delight and made him moan as she wiggled. 

“No sex in my cab!”

She shuffled off his lap and into the seat next to him, much to the cabbie’s delight. Maybe no sex in the cab, but…

Her fingers tingled with possibility as Jamie brushed his pinky along her thigh in hypnotic motions. Feather light on her knee and then teasingly to her inner thigh, then to her hip in a repeated motion that made her feel slightly crazy.

“If you get us there in five minutes, you’ll get a tip!” Jamie yelled and then both of them jerked back as the car sped forward.

“So, eager, Mr. Fraser,” she whispered into his ear, playing a teasing game of her own against his thigh. 

“You have no idea,” he mumbled against her forehead.

The elevator button flashed and then went blank. Annoyed, Jamie pressed it again with feeling to have it flash and then go blank.

“God, fuc–

He slammed his hand on the wall and rubbed his chin in thought. As frustrated as she was, the expression on his face was quite hilarious.

“Come on,” he grabbed her hands and tugged her towards the end of the hallway where the stairs were.

“Jamie, it’s 10 floors!”

Never pausing, he opened the door, scooped her up and was already on floor three before she could even take three breaths.

He panted and sweat began to form at his temples. She had the odd urge to kiss it off of him. Sparing him the exertion of the last five floors, she swiveled and wrapped her legs around his hips and slowly slid down.

His eyes were hungry for her and they sprinted up to his floor. All the while laughing at the absurdity of their actions.

They panted from passion and the stairs, twisting their way to his bedroom. Eager for what was to come, but tentative as if each step was a new challenge. Could they do this? How long will it last?

The questions formed and bubbled over in her head, but as he tugged off his leather jacket and pulled her to straddle him on the edge of the bed, she decided to let go and feel.

He pulled the shirt off her slowly, taking in every inch of skin that came into view. Each piece of clothing was like unlocking a treasure chest, all the exploring had led up to the final moment of reveal. She had seen him shirtless before, but never in his bed. Never with his mouth sliding down her bare stomach.

Slowly, he pulled down her jeans zipper with his teeth and popped the button with his hands, smoothing them down her hips and tugging hard until they fell to her ankles. He inhaled deeply as he looked at her, taking in her almost bare form. 

He took off his own jeans and god! He’s not the first guy that she’s seen like this. Over her, eager, naked. 

But in that moment, he was all she ever wanted to see again.


	3. Chapter 3

~Five Years Earlier~

The moment she first felt Jamie inside her was the moment that all the pieces fit into place, both physically and mentally. She knew deep down that she loved him, but that moment she felt him – hard and aching for her – she knew with her heart, mind and body that he was for her.

His body was heavy on top of her, but she liked the feel of his weight. Their pace was slow in contrast to their initial speed, that first feeling of something vaguely taboo but more thrilling than either of them had ever felt before.

Jamie’s face had been pressed tightly into her neck since the first inch he came into her. Gasping with each forward movement until he had filled her completely. It wasn’t either of their first times but it felt like a whole new experience. Like sex was suppose to feel between two people when it was real. Nothing to fake, nothing to prove, just pure, unadulterated passion.

Pressing her legs tightly against his hips, she put a hand on the small of his back, which was damp from his exertion, and inhaled while pushing his body, urging him to move.

Both let out a moan as he started to find their rhythm, twining their hands together as their bodies were twined into each other.  
They kissed, touched, tasted and rubbed, a silent declaration between the whispers of their skins touching that they would learn every inch of one another.

Hips moving steady and fast, then slow and gentle, made the sliding of their bodies feel like they were being set on fire. Jamie’s moans made her smile and she watched his face as she wrapped her legs around him, watching it contort into a vision of almost painful pleasure.

“God,” she mumbled, closing her eyes against the sensation, the rasping of his moving thighs against hers. Her hands clutched his shoulders and he bit into her own as they came closer to the end. Each moment bringing them closer to their future and what was bound to come next after the climax of their decision.

She thought she knew what love was and knew what sex was supposed to be about. But with Jamie, somehow, it was all new.  
Later, they were both lying on their backs, still catching their breath as he gently played with a curl of her hair that was on his chest as she cuddled close to his shoulder.

“Is this weird for you?” She asked softly, half terrified to hear his response. They hadn’t talked much at all since that first kiss that lead them here, naked and on his bed.

“No,” he smiled and moved his head to kiss her forehead, lingering and breathing in their combined scent. “It feels right.”

Smiling like a school girl, she buried her face into his chest as he ran his hand down her back.

“Everything will be different now,” she kissed the hallow of his chest, playing with the hairs there.

The truth of her words startled her. No longer could they ever be just friends, nor did she want to be. But there was no going back from knowing his body and feeling it inside her. Knowing the intimate secrets that only they could share.

A finger pulled her chin up to look at him, his smile melting her fears. And he didn’t need to answer, he kissed her hands, biting her pinky and abruptly flipped her over onto her back.

Kissing her, he stripped her worries and doubts with his lips and silent promises. And then the kiss grew and grew until he was hard against her again and she was tugging him to where she wanted him. To where she would always want him from now on.

“It will be different,” he said into her mouth with a gasp at the end as he pushed and pulled against her. “But I swear, everyday will just get better.”

 

 

Memories from her night with Jamie flashed before her eyes as she looked down to Frank on one knee. She saw the life she wanted and also the life that was being offered before her with a sparkling ring. It would be easy enough to say yes, but could she do that to herself? A promise of a life that would be stable, but lacked the passion that she had once felt.

“Frank I –

Frank’s eyes, which had been filled with nothing but excitement and maybe a bit of smugness, turned to something sour. The brown orbs squinted in frustration as they watched her hesitate. 

“Can I talk to you privately?”

The sour in his eyes turned to anger as the words left her mouth and she could tell he was clenching his teeth together in furry at his public embarrassment, but he quickly smiled tightly for appearance and offered her his arm. 

“Of course, dear,” he said pleasantly but with intense feeling simmering behind the tone. One of his biggest flaws was his temper, but he usually kept it tightly under wraps. 

Tonight, she thought, might be an exception.

As they left the table, she couldn’t help but quickly glance back. Most were suddenly very interested in their dinner utensils or were trying to make it seem like they were engaged in intriguing conversation. Except one.

Jamie’s eyes were focused on her, tight with concern. His mouth was pressed together as if he was keeping himself from speaking. As she met his eyes, his own flickered down to his lap and the insistent pressure of Frank’s grasp pulled her into an empty, private room.

Frank shuffled them both in and closed the door behind them, though she knew he would have much rather slammed it shut. 

He grasped the door handle so hard, she could see his veins popping out. He didn’t turn to look at her though and took a deep breath, then slowly released it before speaking.

“Tell me. Is it because of him?”

She wasn’t expecting that. An angry demand of why she didn’t say yes. A frustrated reprimand of how they needed to take their relationship forward maybe. But certainly not that.

“Who?”

Frank turned sharply and gave her a look of exasperation. “Jamie, of course. Did you not say yes because Jamie was there?”

Rolling her eyes, in annoyance and but also to keep them from him, she scoffed. “Frank, this has nothing to do with Jamie and everything to do with you and me. I told you I wasn’t ready for marriage, but you didn’t listen to me and did this,” she waved vaguely in the direction of the table.

“You humiliated me!” 

“You shouldn’t have proposed!”

“God dammit, Claire,” he shook his head as his hands curled to fists, clearly wishing there was something for him to hit. “You know what? I’m leaving. We can discuss where to go from here later.”

And in a second, he was gone.

Leaning against the wall and rubbing her temples, she tried to think of how she could go back to the table without it being the most uncomfortable situation. She didn’t think she could take the whispers or awkward eye twitches.

She stayed in the room for a moment, letting Frank get ahead of her and drive away before heading out herself.

Irrational tears filled her eyes and instead of facing her fears, she turned and left through the employee’s exit. 

The cool air outside felt like a dose of a much needed medicine to bring her over sensitive skin some peace. The restaurant had been stuffy and she felt like the heat of the fires would consume her. She sucked in the taste of the fresh air as if she has just come up from the water. And she supposed she had.

Pouring herself a drink about an hour later, she felt terrible about leaving her friends and Jamie, who had come to see her, at the restaurant with no explanation. She had gotten a few text asking if she was alright, but she offered nothing but a simple yes. There was no emotional capability in her to offer more.

Two drinks and an episode of TV later, her door bell rang. Christ, it was probably Frank. Groaning, she eased up, letting herself get righted before heading over to open the door.

But instead of angry brown eyes, she was met with concerned blue ones. 

“Jamie?”

He smiled at her, “I just wanted to make sure ye were alright,” he paused for a moment, looking behind her, “He’s no here, is he?”  
Letting out a bitter laugh, she shook her head. “Nope, just me and my thoughts. Come in.”

As he walked into the room, he gave her a brief squeeze, no where near as long as she would have liked, but she hugged him hard and then let go, arms feeling empty. All she wanted was to collapse into him forever and let him smooth her worries away. But instead, she poured him a drink as they both sat on the sofa, fidgeting.

“I said no,” she said abruptly a few minutes later.  
“Oh, aye?”

“Yeah…I just…I don’t think we are right for each other,” she clutched the glass, looking intently into the amber liquid. Jamie had once told her she had eyes the color of whiskey.

He moved close to her, pressing their thighs together as he put a comforting arm around her. Maybe it was the alcohol or maybe it was longing repressed for five years, but she wanted nothing more than to feel his kiss. To forget the events of tonight and just feel.  
She glanced up to see him looking down at her with burning eyes.

The temptation was there. It had always been there, right in front of them. Every day there was an urge to text him, to call him, to get on a plane and fly across the ocean to tell him she had made a mistake.

I’m sorry. I love you. I always have. You lit a fire in me that never dies, but subtly burns until the spark of your touch comes again.  
The atmosphere around them was tense with possibility. He wanted to kiss her. She knew that if she leaned in, she would feel those soft lips against hers, getting to taste the full red lip that she had been longing for. 

“Claire,” he whispered, bringing both hands into her hair, entangling them, urging her closer. “Claire.” 

The longing in his voice echoed the feelings in her. His lips were only a half an inch away from hers, but never touching.

No, he would make her decide the final move. It was up to her to bridge the gap of five years gone, to mend the aching hearts she had caused with her actions.

Slowly, she traced his cheek, feeling the stubble and skin, and dragged her fingers down to underneath his jaw, brining him closer.  
There was a brief moment of contact, just enough to feel his lips and his warmth before the slamming of the door broke them apart like guilty teens.

The feeling of dread washed over her like a wet blanket. It was as if her mind was warning her a shit storm was coming before the waves started violently crashing. 

She knew who it was without having to look because her luck could really get no worse tonight.

She shot Jamie a look to stay where he was before creeping out the few feet into the hall where Frank was just coming around the corner.

The look on his face was something of fierce determination and she instinctively took a small step back from all the energy coming off of his tense body. 

Edging to the part of the hall where he wouldn’t be able to see Jamie in the living room, she crossed her arms and smelled the whiskey coming off him. It was so strong, she felt slightly intoxicated from even his breath. 

“Claire,” his voice slurred, but his eyes were clear. “We need to talk, now.”

Panicking slightly, she turned back to where he came from and pulled on his sleeve. “Frank, yes. I know, we need to talk, but not now.”  
He grabbed onto the arm she had been urging him out with and squeezed, making her wince a little.

“No! It needs to be now,” he tried to grab both of her arms, but she dodged him and they both ran into the side table she had by the door. “Frank! Stop, you’re drunk,” she struggled to get lose of his hold so she could open the door.

“Why didn’t you say yes,” he mumbled against her shoulder as his weight took the breath out of her. “Why?”

He leaned into her too much, making her fall into the table and knocking off her glass candle. “Shit!”

The smell of lavender spread almost as quickly as the broken glass did.

“Claire?” Jamie’s voice was tentative but strong and quickly getting closer. Fuck.

“He’s here?” Frank’s voice was quiet and controlled as if the sound of Jamie’s voice had made him sober. His eyes squinted as Jamie came around the corner of the hall with a concerned face, looking to her immediately, checking for damage.

“It’s alright,” she waved to the broken candle. “Just an accident.”  
Frank continued to stare at Jamie, making him fidget under the scrutiny. Jamie rolled his shoulders and tapped his fingers against his leg. She had no idea what to say, nor did he.

Frank smiled tightly and looked down to his feet, shaking his head back and forth. “I’m no fool,” he spoke quietly, not looking up.  
Jaime looked at her confused, but she shrugged.

“I know about you, Jamie,” he said, looking up, eyes flashing with something she couldn’t put her finger on. Maybe acceptable, maybe defiance. “I know how she feels about you.”

Her face went red and she looked down to the glass scattered on the floor. “Frank, I think you should–

“She calls your name in her sleep,” he interrupted her, not paying any mind to anything but his words. “And once even when we were having sex, but she stopped herself before the name could form on her lips.”

“Frank!” She yelled and put her hands in her hair, trying desperately to find a way out of this situation.  
She spared at glance at Jamie through her hair, not wanting to make eye contact. His brows were drawn together as he absorbed the words and assessed Frank.

“I know,” Frank whispered again, head rolling down, finally breaking Jamie’s gaze.

Finally, she moved to pick of her phone. “I’m going to call you a cab,” she turned and quickly dialed.

Scoffing, Frank looked to her, a piercing look that felt final. There wasn’t going to be moving past this. 

More quickly than she thought he was able at his level of drunk, he turned, opened the door and was gone. She simply stared out the door like an idiot before moving into action. 

Quickly, she went to grab her coat and keys, shoving on her shoes as Jamie watched with concern. “Where are you going?”

Sighing, she pulled hard to get her black boot over her heel. “He’s drunk. I need to make sure he gets home safe.” 

He reached out to put a hand on hers, stopped her from putting her arms through her sleeves. 

“Claire, I don’t want you out on the streets right now. It’s dangerous.”

“Jamie, I’ll be fine. Please, I need to go,” she mumbled, avoiding his intense gaze. Trying desperately to not think about the words Frank had told him. 

“Don’t do this,” he said, shoving his hands deep into his jean pockets.

“Don’t do what?”

“Don’t leave this hanging again, don’t leave me hanging again,” he spoke like he was choosing his words with great care.  
“What is that supposed to mean?”

“It means that after we spent that night together…I wanted everything. I wanted ye but you didn’t want me back. You said I had to go to California and long distance wouldn’t work for us,” the pain in his voice was audible and it brought tears to her eyes.

Looking down at her keys, she spoke with a trembling voice. “I didn’t want to, I wanted to be with you.”

Jamie slammed his fist into the wall hard. “Then why, for Gods sakes, did ye let me go to America?!”

“It was too good an opportunity…I had to let you go,” it wasn’t all a lie she thought as she spoke, throwing her hands into the air.   
At the time, he didn’t see through her, blinded by his own pain. But she couldn’t tell him the whole truth, not without hurting him even more.

“Bullshit, tell me,” he demanded, stepping closer to her, his chest heaving with effort.

She knew that he would find it in her eyes if she lingered, so she turned and grabbed the door knob. “Jamie, I can’t right now, I have to leave.”

“Oh, so ye will just kiss me and then go. At least ye are consistent.”

His words stung like venom, seeping into her skin. She could think of a million things to say. A way to sting him back, a way to comfort him, a way to tell him the truth. But she couldn’t. At least not now while Frank was roaming the streets alone. It may be over between them, but she wouldn’t be able to live with herself if something happened to him because of her.

“You know what? We will talk later. I swear. But right now I have to go and find Frank.”

And with that, she turned and opened the door, only to hear the sound of a fist hitting the wall again.

 

The emotion that Jamie evoked in her stayed while she searching for Frank, finally finding him a few blocks away, throwing up into a bin. He was so drunk she wasn’t even sure if he knew who she was. Maybe that was for the best.  
After an hour, she finally managed to get him back into his flat and leave. Satisfied knowing that he was safe. Now, she could go to Jamie.

Pulling out her phone as she waited for a cab, she texted him.

I found him and got him to his flat. I’m coming back now. Are you still there?

She pressed send and took a deep breath, exhaling slowing and trying to keep from drowning from this night.  
She checked her phone every minute to see if he responded to her. Nothing.

Hey, I’m sorry. We really need to talk. Please meet me.

And as she pulled up to her own flat, still nothing. With a thick throat, she wondered if she had ruined things for good. Would they even be friends anymore? Her heart clenched at the thought of never seeing him, never hearing his voice.

“Jamie?” She called as she walked into her place. The glass was still on the floor and all the lights were still on, but he wasn’t there.

“Fuck,” she said as she collapsed onto the sofa, exhausted from the constant emotion. And then a buzzing went off. 

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” she pulled out the pager from her purse, seeing the hospital calling her in. 

As if things couldn’t be worse. Sighing, she got up, gathered her purse back up and decided to text Jamie one more time.

I have to go into the hospital. Don’t know when I’ll get out. Please answer me.

 

Nurses and doctors flew around her as she walked into the waiting room for the ER. The flurry of activity wasn’t that unusual, but the energy was electric, as it usually was when a big accident happened. She saw quite a few bloodied patients on gurneys, coming in from the ambulances outside.

Walking briskly past the waiting room, she turned to go through the ER to get to the changing room so she could get to work and find the doctor she shadowed.

“Claire!” 

She turned to see Joe running towards her, out of breath and his scrubs smeared with blood.

“Don’t go in there,” he gasped, putting his hands onto his knees as he fought for breath. “I told them not to call you in to work.”

“Joe, what’s wrong? I’m fine to work,” she patted him on the back but a sickening feeling came into her stomach when she met his eyes as he looked up at her. No.

“Claire…I’m sorry but please–

She pushed past him and into the busy ER where patients were being treated or waiting for surgery, looking frantically around until a familiar mop of red made her breath leave her chest in a wild gasp.

Jamie lay on a gurney covered in blood and bandages, his head clutched by a nurse while a doctor was busy prepping him. Eyes closed.  
That was the last thing she saw before blackness.


	4. Chapter 4

The focus of her last few hours of existence has been staring at a small scar on Jamie’s left arm. She had never seen it before. It was something he had acquired since he had left for the states. Just one more thing she had missed. One more thing she didn’t know.

Had his ex known about the scar? Did the perfect blonde with the bright smile see him get the original cut? Did she know the sound he made when someone bit his inner thigh? Did she know what his face looked like when he fell of the edge? Staring at Jamie’s coma-induced form caused her to question a lot of things.

The insistent beeping from his monitor faded in and out of the background as did the sound of the nurses and doctors shuffling around the outside of the curtains that made up his small room. The constant beeping gave her comfort though, for it meant he lived.

They had put him into a shared room after surgery, but she had used her connection to get him some privacy. And privacy was something that was to be cherished as the hospital was full of patients in need of rooms and care.

A delivery truck driver had fallen asleep at the wheel and plowed into incoming traffic, causing a massive domino affect of accidents in the city. Apparently, Jamie had been hit while walking on the side walk by a car spinning out of control.

The surgeon who had worked on and tried to repair Jamie’s crushed hand told her that he was lucky. If the car hitting him had been going only a little faster, the force would have crushed his chest, killing him instantly.

Lucky. Lucky seemed like a funny word as he lie on the small white bed, covered from head to feet in white bandages, sprinkled with red from the blood that had seeped through since his last change. She could never thought Jamie could look small to her, but he did. And she wanted nothing more than to cradle his head in her lap, but she couldn’t and it hurt.

It had only been six hours since she had seen him in the ER, but it had felt like 10 years. Joe had transferred her to the break room and had allowed her to wake from her shock-induced faint. The moment she had seen him there, bloodied and broken, something in her heart snapped. It had dropped to her stomach and she felt that it would never come back until she saw his blue eyes open and smile crookedly at her.

After he had come out of the surgery, all she wanted to do was see him, but he had been taken to get a skin graph for his back almost immediately after he had come out from his first surgery.

Calling Jenny had been hard, not knowing how or what to say. The call was at 2 a.m. and she didn’t answer her phone, so she had to leave a message.

Jenny…I don’t know how to…I’m sorry I haven’t called…it’s Jamie. He’s hurt. You need to come to Glasgow. I’ll…I’m here, I’ll call if anything changes.

The thought of seeing Jenny and Brian made her feel queasier then she already was. They would be waking up and calling her soon, no doubt.

But she tried not to think about it, just to concentrate on the feel of Jamie’s blood pulsing through the hands that she held tightly in hers and looking at his eyes, waiting for them to flutter open.

She talked to him almost constantly, telling him all her regrets, all the things she would have done differently, all the things she wanted.

“Jamie, I love you. You know I do. I didn’t want you to go to California without me. I want you to stay here. I wanted to marry you. I wanted to carry our babies and live at Lallybroch. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” she choked out through the tears, wiping her eyes on her sleeve. Wishing with all her heart that this could be like the movies and he would wake up at the admission of her love. But Jamie didn’t move, nor did his eyes open. 

The time slugged by, with each ticking of the clock a silent reminder that Jamie’s life was hanging in the balance. He lived somewhere in the limbo between reality and his mind. 

But nothing was worse than waiting for him to come out of surgery. She had had to sit in the emergency waiting room with other families weeping and shaking along with her. She was used to being on the opposite side of the room and the feeling was quite unsettling.

The trauma to his head was what scared her the most. She knew the moments in and after surgery were the most vital in telling how he would recover…if he would recovery. 

The moment of truth would be when he woke from his induced coma. Or if he would wake up. Would he be damaged? Would he remember her?

God, the chaos of her head screamed and spun until she finally had to get up. Kissing his cheek lightly before hesitating and pressing a chaste kiss to his bloodied, chapped lips, patting his hand, she got up from her hard chair and stretched.  
She would kill for a strong cup of coffee. She needed to be aware until he woke up. Hopefully, there would be some in the intern break room.

It physically hurt her, leaving his helpless form on the bed, but he needed this rest. Rest so his mind can try and repair itself from the trauma of not only the force that had hit him but from the trauma of the accident itself. He would wake when he was ready.

Reluctantly, she turned out into the bright hallway, squinting until suddenly the bright light was blocked.  
The man that stood before her wasn’t something that she remembered. Gaunt cheeks, pale skin, dark, black circles under his eyes. A shell of the man she had last seen when he told her to break her own heart and the heart of his son.

“Brian?”

~Five Years Earlier~

 

The next few days were bliss. All she could think about was Jamie, which was slightly inconvenient because of her exams. They hadn’t been able to see each other much because of finals in the last few days, but they were in constant contact. 

Will ye come to Lallybroch this weekend with me?

The thought of the rolling hills and smell of fresh air made her almost relax. The city could be a bit much after a while. And the thought of returning to his land as his….a wide smile spread across her face at the thought. 

Of course ;) 

Her phone buzzed immediately. 

Pick you up Friday afternoon, mnd

Happiness flooded her and she was just about to put her phone away when it buzzed one more time.

:)  
She had told him in a late night phone conversation the other day that he was too serious of a texter in jest. The smiley face was his effort of being more silly with her. Butterflies made her stomach flutter in the best kind of way.

The beginnings were always the best. A time where possibilities were endless and anything could happen. She saw everything with Jamie, more than she had ever felt before. The future blossomed before her eyes. A few years of dating, a wedding, perhaps on Lallybroch’s fields in spring. A few children running around with his mop of copper hair and her eyes.

They hadn’t discussed their intentions or what exactly they were to each other now, but she suspected that the talk would come this weekend as they walked at sunset through the fields and watched the sun dip below the horizon as they came together in the grassy hills.

Da had to come into town last night, we can drive back with him.

Sounds good! See you tomorrow. 

She walked around campus that day with the most ridiculous smile on her face. The thought of seeing Jamie tomorrow made her heart feel like it had grown three times in size. All she wanted was to kiss his red lips and hug him hard enough so he dissolved into her.

So, later that night when there was a knock on her apartment door, she flung her textbooks down. It had to be Jamie.  
Running to the door, she ripped it open, almost embarrassingly fast, but she stopped herself short of jumping into his arms when she noticed that the man in front of her wasn’t Jamie, but his father.

“Brian? What-

She turned to see past him and if Jamie was jumping up the steps, but nothing. 

“I need to talk to you,” he said, looking down at her door mat with his mouth turned to the side. Her stomach did a flip-flop.

“Is Jamie ok?”

The pounding of her heart that was starting calmed a little when he looked up and tried to smile and shook his head.

“Jamie’s fine. I just came from a quick dinner with him. Though, he rushed me out to keep studying, but I’m proud of my boy,” the smile became more genuine as he spoke of all Jamie’s hard work.

“May I?” He inclined his head towards the inside of her apartment 

“Oh, of course,” she opened the door to him and stepped aside as he walked in, glancing behind him one more time to see if Jamie was there.

Sighing, she shut the door and shuffled into the small living space she shared with her roommate as Brian sat down on the sofa.

“I ken yer disappointed that Jamie’s no here,” he smiled at her and motioned for her to sit. “Trust me, all he did was speak of ye at dinner.”

Looking down with red cheeks, she smiled a little, trying to understand why he was here. Not that it was strange all together. He, Jenny and Jamie had been to her place more than once and she did love those visits, but Brian certainly had never dropped in without notice or without one of his children.

Reading her mind, he said, “I ken yer wondering why I am here without Jamie, but I needed to talk to ye about something important.”

Folding her hands in her lap, she nodded and waited for him to continue, her nerves revving up again as he fought for the right words. Did he not like she was with Jamie? He and Jenny used to joke about her and Jamie running Lallybroch with their 10 children all the time. But now, when that image may be coming a little more realistic, his face was far from joyous.

“Claire…ye ken that I love ye. If circumstances were different, I would be over the moon that ye and Jamie were together.”

Looking out the window, he hesitated again.

“But…” she said, trying not to let the tears she felt brimming in her eyes escape. 

“You know that Jamie was offered a position to work under a world renowned editor in California,” he spoke, looking back to her and reading the shock on her face.

“No, I didn’t,” she said quietly. 

“Well, I suspect he didn’t want to tell ye yet, but he has only know for about a week.”

A week. So, he knew when they were together the other night. Her mind was spinning out of control. California? That may as well have been a different planet. Had he accepted already? Brian interrupted her thoughts.

“Now, you’ll see the problem. Jamie won’t want to leave ye and I ken you are staying here for medical school since ye got a full ride, as ye should,” he smiled at her. “Congratulations, by the way.”

Sputtering out, she managed to find a few words. “How did you know that? I haven’t even told, Jamie.”

“I ken someone who works at the hospital, they told it to me in passing today.”

Her mouth was open as she fought for words. “I-

“But ye canna keep Jamie from this opportunity,” Brian put his hands on his knees, looking at his spread fingers, not making eye contact as he spoke. His tone was almost desperate, like he was begging her to let him go.

Feebly, she tried to respond without breaking down.

“We can do long distance,” she started to say but Brian was already shaking his head. “And maybe he wants to stay here, he always wanted to run Lallybroch someday.”

“No! He canna stay here,” he said harshly, then cleared his throat and looked at her apologetically.

“No, I ken how he looks at ye, he would never have his head about him if he spent all his time thinking about ye and the next time he will see ye.”

Brian got up and walked over to her, putting a hand on her shoulder.

“He loves ye, Claire. He always has…and if you love him, you will do what’s best for him.”

He patted her shoulder one more time and then walked out the front door, leaving nothing but pain in his wake.


	5. Chapter 5

~Five Years Earlier~  
There were moments in life that a person knows they will never forget as long as they live. A moment that is etched into the body’s core so deep that after the moment happens you can never be the same person. They scar.

She remembered this moment in particular as if she was someone observing her life like one observes a car crash as it’s happening. The cars spinning out of control to a helpless gaze, spiraling into disaster with nothing or no one to stop the fate of their collision.   
That was how she felt when she told Jamie to go to California and leaver her behind. She felt like she when watched his face break, she wasn’t in their conversation, as if she was a stranger.

“Why?”

Why? She thought.

Your father asked me to. He thinks you deserve better. You do, you know. You deserve that life. But it’s not fair and I love you but I can’t tell you because you will never go. And how can I stop you?

Your face crumbling as you fight to control it. That kills me, y’know? You have the most mastered mask of all. It’s only the real stuff that makes a crack. That crack is rippling into my heart.

“I don’t understand, Claire. Please…”

It’s simple, she thought again.

I love you. So I am letting you go. That’s what the saying is right? If you love them, let them go. If they come back… Would he?

“But the other night. I thought that we…”

Yeah, she thought so too. But that’s not enough, she guesses. There is something more out there for him to find. Something more. Something more than how they make each other feel? Something more powerful than his kiss on her body, than her lips whispering worships into his mouth as he plays her like a fiddle with his hands? Is there more than that?

His hand is in hers. She tried to explain, but her words sound empty no matter how much life she tries to put into them, how much sincerity. She is sincere. She wanted better for him. Everyone who loves someone does.

As he presses his lips together as she tells him that she never wants to lose touch, that she wants to be his best friend if he will let her, all she really wants to do is tell him the truth. After all, he was her best friend first. Tell him what his father said. Let him chose. He was a big boy. 

But the words died on her tongue and she couldn’t. Maybe she was a coward. Maybe she was afraid he wouldn’t stay if given the choice. She wants him to fight her. God, she wants him to fight! And he does, a little, but her words sting and she knows it.

So, as he drifts his gaze out the window, away from her gaze, she swallows the sickness in her and tries not to cry. She tries for her eyes not to beg him to stay. To not say I love you. But she wants him to read her anyway. He always could. But that mask is back and he is too hurt to read her now.

In the end, he paints a smile for her and agrees to everything and she tries to smile through the sound of her heart breaking. He kisses her on the cheek and lingers for only a moment. A moment that he waits, waits to see if she’ll break. But she doesn’t and the next day, he was on a plane, taking her heart and regret   
with him.

~Present~

“Brian?” 

“Claire,” he rasped, looking out of sorts and vaguely confused. If circumstances were different, she would have given him a hug or put a comforting hand on his shoulder, but her arms stayed where they were, grasping at the end of her jacket.

“Is he…” his voice trailed off as he squinted into the semi-closed blinds of Jamie’s hospital room, where the faint beeping of his heart could be heard in the hall. It sounded like he was too scared to ask the question directly.

“He’s stable right now,” she said, with what she hoped was a comforting voice.

He nodded briefly and then looked down. Clearing her throat, she was about to step out of the doorway so he could go in to see Jamie, but Jenny stopped her.

“Is he alright?” Her voice was frantic, her hair looked like she had just come from bed and there was dark circles under her eyes from a morning started too early.  
She put a comforting hand on Jenny’s shoulder and tried to smile reassuringly. “He’s ok, go on,” she motioned to the bed and moved aside. “He’ll be happy to hear your voice.”

Jenny’s blue eyes, so like her brother’s, lost a small bit of their panic as she read her own. She tried hard to make them as calm as possible for her. Jenny nodded slightly and put a hand on Brian’s back as if to guide him.

“Come on, Da,” she said as he looked down at her as if he forgot she was behind him. Slowly, he turned and walked into the room with Jenny’s hand still firmly on his back.

Stepping back out into the hall, she shook her head. There was something very wrong with Brian. He was a shell of the man she had last seen. She wondered if Jamie knew the state he was in and that’s why he had come home. 

Glancing at her phone and answering a few texts about Jamie, she left with a heavy heart in search of some coffee.

Later, she sat with Jenny in the few sparse chairs outside of Jamie’s room while Brian sat with Jamie. He asked for some alone time, so she reluctantly left her post by his side. The talk with Jenny was strained at best. Polite, not too personal. She asked how her children were and Jenny told her how Ian had to stay behind with them. She wanted to ask about Brian but was afraid of what she would hear. But the silence was becoming too much to bare as they both either pretended to be interested in the things going on around them or their screens.

“Jenny, is Brian alright?”

Jenny glanced away from the nurse she had been watching and smiled tightly at her. It wasn’t the first time she had noticed Jenny looked tired, but as she brought Brian up, she looked utterly exhausted. Dark circles, with swollen lids, and the few sparse grey hairs on the top of her head with the hint of crinkles around her eyes. The years had been hard for her.

Sighing and rubbing her eyes, she spoke with a faint sense of bitterness. “He’s sick, ye ken? You can see. Anyone can.”

“Does Jamie know?”

“Ach, no. Da didn’t want him to know. Said he would come back from California if he knew and he didn’t want that,” she shook her head and rolled her eyes to the ceiling. “It’s gotten worse these path months and it’s why I begged Jamie to come home at last. He needed to see him.”

Seeing the emotion grow in Jenny, she put a hand on her shoulder as Jenny fought for composure. “Is it cancer?”

“Aye, blood cancer,” she said, glancing back at her as she regained composure. “Ian’s been running the estate more so now.”

Her mind raced with questions. Cancer. And Jamie didn’t know.

“How long…” her questions drifted off into the air. She didn’t mean to ask it, but it rolled off her tongue before she could help it. Had he known when he told her to let Jamie go?

“I dinna ken. He only told me about six months ago. I dinna know how long he’s had it, but in his condition, I wouldn’t say too long.”

She gave up on their tense body posture and wrapped her arms around her once would be sister. “I’m so sorry, Jenny.”

Jenny sniffled and hugged her back, tentative at first and then strong and tight. She felt the warm sensation of tears dripping onto her sweater and a few of her own fell.

A few moments later, Brian came out of the room, looking once at her and then to Jenny. “Can we go get some food, lass?”

“Oh, aye,” Jenny sat up and tried to discretely wipe away her tears while grabbing her purse. She stopped suddenly, looking at Jamie’s room.  
“Don’t worry, I’ll stay with him and there’s a cafeteria on the bottom floor.”

Jenny smiled at her, more genuine than any one she had given her in the time since she had arrived and then went to grab Brian’s arm and lead him down the hall.

They had been gone about a half an hour when she saw the first flutter. 

When sat with Jamie, she did nothing but watch his eyes. Praying every second that they would open to her. Quickly, she brought her hand up to his cheek to encourage his waking. 

His eyes fluttered against the side of her hand as she brushed his cheek. “Jamie, it’s time to wake up now.”

The seconds that came after were some of the most agonizing of her life, despite the last day of terror and anxiety. It was as if in her mind she knew that if he didn’t open his eyes and smile at her in this instant, he never would. Those pale eyelids with the small blue veins would remain shut for the rest of infinity, never to crinkle when he smiled, never to glisten when he was truly moved, never to seek her gaze and have a glint of relief once they locked.

It may have just been a minute, but each millisecond felt like a hundred years. She felt her toes curl and she was frightened that her heart was going to fly out of her chest.

Another flutter. His heart rate went up ever so slightly. Once more. And then she was encased in a sea of blue. 

“Hey,” she whispered, voice cracking from emotion, tears flowing freely now. She didn’t care. “Everything’s ok.” 

His mouth opened and brows furrowed as his heart rate continued to elevate. She felt his good hand groping on the side of the bed and she reached out and grabbed it tightly in her own, smoothing his brows with the one on his face.

It was clear he was confused and out of sorts. She had seen it a million times when patients had gone through a trauma or an accident.

Brushing his matted hair back from his forehead, she tried to comfort him to quell a panic attack.

“You had a little accident, but you’re going to fine, Jamie,” she spoke softly as to not startle him and to sound as reassuring as she possibly could. She wanted to sooth him before he noticed his hand, which was wrapped tightly in bandages on his right side.

He looked at her like he had never seen her before and her heart started to elevate once more as he showed no recognition of her. Christ, had he lost his memory? He still clutched her hand in his left, squeezing as he fought for words.

“Claire?” He rasped, barely making sound from his lips, but more forming her name with the ghost of a whisper.

Thank god, she said to herself. Thank god.

“Yeah, baby, I’m here,” she cried as he reached for her cheek, tears forming in his own eyes as he looked at her like she was the sun after a year of darkness.   
“Claire,” he said again, with a bit more strength, clutching at her like he was a drowning man desperately grasping for a life preserver to pull him from the dark abyss of the bottom of the ocean.

“Shh, I’m here, your fine. I’m here.”

“What…?” She could see his mind grasping for something, anything. He may not remember the accident at all. Some patients never remember the accident that landed them in the hospital.

She sat on the edge of his bed, holding his hand tightly in her own. “A driver of a big truck lost control and went into oncoming traffic. You were hit on the sidewalk by one of the cars.”

His eyes never left her own, searching for her truth as his own. “It’s normal not to remember at first,” she hesitated before continuing, searching for gentle words. “Your brain had a little swelling, but that’s gone down. You had to get a skin graph on your back. So, not all that bad, but your hand might need a little work.”  
Gaze moving slowly to his opposite hand, observing it as if it was someone else’s.

“No,” she reached to pat his arm as she could see him trying to move it. “Let’s let it be.”

His eyes looked back to her in horror, “Is it still there?”

Despite herself and the situation, she laughed and patted his stomach reassuringly. “Yes, it is still there. You’ll need some therapy after though.”

He closed his eyes again and leaned back against the pillows, trying to absorb everything that was going on.

“Jenny and your father are here, too. They’ve gone to get a bit to eat. I can go get them.”

“No!” His good hand grasped her hand with surprising strength, face desperate. 

“You’ll stay,” he said it more like a question, like he was afraid that if he asked directly, she might say no. 

Leaning down, she pressed a kiss to his forehead and then let it rest against his. She felt him relax again with the touch of her skin on his.

“I’ll stay.”

And they stayed like that for a moment in time that was indefinable. A time that existed outside the world their bodies were in, but where their minds and hearts were. A time where there was no pain or past, but only a spark of hope. And love. So much love.


	6. Chapter 6

~Five Years Earlier~

Time dragged on in a sluggish fashion after Jamie left. The days distracted her but the nights were lonely and dark as she ached for someone who was now across the world, away from her forever.

In the months he had been away, she had started med school and that filled a small void. It gave her motivation to get up in the morning and not sit in bed and sob for the things that she threw away. But on the weekends, she had to fight the urge to get on the first planes out of Scotland and go in search of the sun-burnt red head in California.

She would pull up the airline site, she would search for times, she would pick her flights and then her curser would hover above the blue button of “book.” And then she would imagine all the infinite possibilities of hitting that blue button, all the things that could change the course of her life.

Would he be happy to see her or mad? Would his face light up when she showed up on his apartment doorstep? Or would it be too late?

In her wildest dreams, he would see her. He would see her and then run to her. Eyes locked and heart pounding, he was running to her and then she would know nothing but warmth and the safety of the embrace of her love.

But the curser still blinked and the blue bottom remained untouched. The laptop closed and she replaced it with a textbook and so another weekend went by with her silenced dream placed silently on the shelf again with other lost things.

~Present~

The small room was cramped and the air was freezing. She had permanent goose bumps, but not all because of the air. Normally, doctors didn’t frighten her, but when one of the new doctors came into to Jamie’s room, she felt herself start to shake a little.

“Well, it looks like Jamie will regain the full function of his hand over time. The ring finger may be stiff though, but we have every reason to belief that he will make a full recovery.”

The breath everyone in the room had been holding released in one collective sigh of relief. Jenny smiled at back at her and Brian smiled for the first time since she had seen him, placing a skinny hand on Jamie’s shoulder.

Jenny had told Jamie that Brian looked terrible because of the stress of Jamie’s accident, not willing to risk his recovery due to the news that their father was dying. She knew Jamie didn’t quite believe it but didn’t want to make Jenny more upset than she was.

“He will need a caretaker for the first few weeks. Someone to help while he recovers. We’d like him in bed for at least another two weeks.”

The room went silence for a beat before Jenny spoke up. “Aye, aye. It won’t be the first time I’ve taken care of ye, brother. And I dare say it won’t be the last.”  
Jamie rolled his eyes at Jenny’s look, but glanced at her from the corner of his eye, asking her a silent question. She smiled at him reassuringly, trying her best to comfort him.

“And I’ll be there, Dr.,” Jenny and Brian both glanced at her declaration. Brian with his ghost eyes and Jenny with a brow drawn up in question.

The Dr. cleared his throat and nodded while retreating to the door. “Good. Good. It will be helpful to have someone with medical experience there for a bit.” 

He smiled at her before glancing back at Jamie. “You’re lucky to be alive, Mr. Fraser. I suggest you remember that.”

Jamie nodded and looked to her again with something in his eyes that she couldn’t quite identify. “Dinna worry, Dr. I will.”

Jamie was released from the hospital the next day and was under strict instructions not to fly. A part of her heart felt light at the news, he couldn’t be going back to California. At least not for a little while.

The greeting he got at Lallybroch’s door warmed her heart. She hadn’t seen Jenny’s children before, nor how much they loved their beloved uncle.  
“Uncle, uncle!”

“No jumping on him, wee Jamie! He’s still healing,” Jenny’s voice ran clear and loud despite the fact that she was out in the yard still, helping bring in the bags. She smiled and hoisted up a bag from the trunk while her phone ran for the second time today. 

She didn’t need to look, she knew it was Frank. He had been trying to contact her and she had tried to be clear. It was over and they both needed to move on.   
A soft tap on her shoulder made her jump out of her thoughts and back into the present.

“Ian!”

He smiled at her, once of those smiles that could melt you from the inside. He gave her a warm hug and it was the most welcome she had felt in a long while.  
“It’s good to see ye, Claire.”

“You too, Ian. I’ve missed it.”

He smiled at her and glanced back to where Jenny was trying to prevent her children from smothering their uncle as he walked in the door. “Aye, I suppose ye have.”

A routine developed the next week at Lallybroch as it always does. No matter how strange of circumstances, there always is some constant each day as she had learned over the course of her nomadic life.

She mostly kept to herself as Jamie healed. He slept a great deal, after developing a fever from a minor infection. She checked on him, cared for his hand and back, made sure he took his medications. But when there was no more to do, she walked the fields of Lallybroch, taking in the valleys and hills and the sunsets that she used to watch with Jamie in college.

Nostalgia was powerful and she wanted nothing more than to lay down in the grassy hills and dissolve into the land that she once thought would be her forever home. A place for her and Jamie. Just a place to call home.

She spoke to Jenny a little during the week, but helped her with the little ones, admiring the split between Jenny and Ian. A little part of her felt Jenny was hurt when she stopped visiting, but how could she explain? 

Brian had been avoiding her for the most part, keeping to himself in his study and visiting with Jamie.

So, when he was waiting for her in the living room after she came back from her usual sunset walk, she was intrigued.

He motioned for her to sit on the sofa across from him, a gesture so like the one he had done that had torn her life apart.

Sighing, she sat as straight as a rod and placed her hands in her lap. He was silent for a long while before clearing his throat.

“I owe ye an apology, Claire,” his voice was again tired and aged, the deep lines in his face growing stronger as he took a deep breath and finally looked her in the eye for the first time.

She said nothing. Just waited.

“I told Jamie in the hospital about what I did,” he wrung his hands in his lap. “I dinna ken if he heard.”

He leaned forward, trying to reach out to her but holding himself back. “You see-

He tried to begin, but the words failed him. She watched him struggle for the right ones, the ones that would erase the past. But there were not enough powerful words in the world to undo time.

“I kent I was dyin’ then, Claire.”

It was hard not to feel pity for him. He looked a man very much beaten down. By everything. It was hard to stay mad when he was trying to think out the best life for Jamie. Even if it wasn’t the life he had wanted.

“Why did you wait so long to tell everyone?”

He smiled sadly at the fire and shook his head, glancing up at the bedrooms where his children and grandchildren resided.

“I didna want to be a burden. Jenny was starting to have her bairns,” his voice got quieter as he shut his eyes, unable to look at her. “I didna want Jamie to come home.” 

“Why? Why was it so important to you, that he left?” The anger in her voice was audible to her and she knew to him, but she had to let him know just an once of the pain he had caused her these last years. 

His head, which was once a full scalp of dark hair, was now streaked heavily with grey, nodded as if to confirm that he knew what he had inflicted on her. 

“You want more for your children. You’ll understand one day. Jamie always said he would run this place happily. He never complained about it and I never gave much thought as to why he shouldn’t, but when I found out about the cancer,” he looked to me pleadingly, tears in his eyes. It took every bit of strength for her not to run over and comfort him. The amount of pain that shown through his eyes was almost too much to bear.

“I wanted more for him than my life. Not that it was bad, I wouldna trade it for the world, but I wanted him to experience…more, ye ken?”

His eye drifted to the wooden globe in the corner. Jamie had told her once it had been passed down for five generations before his father and mother. 

“That’s why I needed him to go so badly, in part to live the life I never saw, and for him to be happy. But now I realize he might have been happier here with ye.”  
And with eyes swimming with regret and grief and sadness and all the other dark things, his last words were filled with potent emotion.

“I’m sorry, truly.”

Brian’s words ran through her mind all night as she lay awake in bed, tossing and turning to the tune of the storm outside, echoing her inner turmoil. She forgave him. She had too. That’s the thing about impending death, it makes everything all too final.

One part of her wanted to tell Jamie the whole truth. To explain to him why she made the choice she did. But how could she?

Pressing her cheek against the cool side of the pillow in her guest bed that Jenny had made up for her, she prayed to the universe for some kind of clarity.  
“My father is sick, ye ken?”

She paused for a moment, setting down this steaming bowl of chicken soup Jenny had made fresh that morning on Jamie’s bedside.  
“Yes, I know. Jenny told me.”

But she didn’t know just how much he knew about the sickness. Whether he knew that the time Brian had left was fleeting or whether his diagnosis had been the catalyst for his decision to “suggest” she let him go to California.

“Well, it’s when yer sick, I think, it causes all the regrets ye have to puir out of ye.”

She smiled at his accent as she pulled up a chair next to his bed. It had dulled a little since his move to the states, but here, in his homelands, it was as thick as ever.

“Yes, I’ve seen it happen in patients.”

She reached to touch him but held her hand back before making contact. Their touches had been tentative since they had come back to Lallybroch, both dancing in repetitive circles of light grazes and small squeezes.

“He told me about some of his regrets,” his words were carefully chosen as he reached for her hand. The beam of sunlight from the window illuminated them twined together on the bed sheet. He smiled at this sight and brushed his thumb against the back of her hand.   
“Well, he thought he was telling me while I was asleep, but I heard.”

Her heart skipped a beat.

“How much did you hear?”

“Enough.”

There was a long pause. A pause that neither one could bare but neither seemed to know how to end. So, she turned to the one thing she knew with certainty and went to inspect his injured hand.

His gaze unnerved her as she sat, looking at the area. Finally, he broke the silence.

“I dinna ken everything while I was in the coma, mind ye. I’m no sure what was a dream and what wasn’t.”

He spoke casually, looking down at the blankets Jenny had smothered him with, playing with the end of the hand-knit yarn. The distant sounds of the running farm echoed through the open window as she poked and prodded.

“What are you trying to figure out? I’ll help…no, hold it this way,” she said as she carefully unravel his dressings. 

“Alright….Ouch!… did ye tell me that you were the one who broke all my records freshman year and no Rupert?”

She laughed as she inspected his hand, looking good for the state of it. She had told him a lot while he was unconscious and now was slightly afraid of what he heard. “Yes, that’s true. Sorry.”

He made a “mphm” noise and a wince as she cleansed the wound with rubbing alcohol.

“Did Jenny complained about wind from her curry take out?”

She laughed again while looking at him, his eyes full of mischief in the sunlight creeping in from the window.

“Can’t confirm the wind, but she did have some curry, I smelt it in that room for two days.”  
Jamie smiled at her as he watched her wrap of his hand in clean bandages, squinting in concentration.

“Ye love me,” he said abruptly, watching her face carefully as he spoke, seeing every emotion she tried to show and hide.

“You know I do,” she smiled and looked back down at his hand, trying to play it casual, not knowing what he meant or what he heard.  
A finger brought her face back up to look at him as he shook his head slowly.

“No… ye…ye said ye dinna want me to leave, that ye wanted to marry me and have my children,” he paused, out of breath to find her truth in her glass eyes. “That kind of love, did ye mean it?”

“Yes…yes I did.”

Later, she thought it funny how a single word, a single sound, could alter the whole course of her life. The whole future changed in one millisecond as the sound left her mouth, forever altering the universe in one breath of “yes.”


	7. Chapter 7

“Farewell to the mountains high cover’d with snow;  
Farewell to the straths and green valleys below;  
Farewell to the forrests and wild-hanging woods;  
Farwell to the torrents and loud-pouring floods.

My heart’s in the Highlands, my heart is not here,  
My heart’s in the Highlands a-chasing the deer  
Chasing the wild deer, and following the roe;  
My heart’s in the Highlands, whereever I go.”

Ian wiped a tear that was about to fall from the corner of his eye as he finished the last verse of the poem and stepped down from where he stood above the crowd of tenants and friends, reaching to pat Jamie on the shoulder before wrapping a weeping Jenny in his arms as he sat back down to join the rest of the mourners.

She glanced at Jamie, who was looking, not at the casket where his father lie, but at the rolling fields that surrounded them, the ones Ian had so beautifully evoked with his chosen poem to read.

She squeezed his hand tighter in hers and saw a glimmer of a smile grace his lips before the priest began to speak again.  
“In nomine Patris, et Filii, et Spiritus Sancti. Amen.”

“Amen,” the crowd murmured with him and began to stand, to begin the real part of the funeral, the part where everyone remembers and reminisces about the lost soul. The part where the true healing begins.

“Amen,” she whispered to Jamie again, quietly.

Broken from his trance by the beautiful sun set that Brian’s last farewell had been blessed with, he turned and looked down at her.

The look on his face was something she would remember long past their young years together. It was a look she knew that would live in her heart forever, for whenever she needed it. She could simply pluck the memory after every fight, every hardship and have it warm her like the summer sun.

The glistening of his eyes, the curve of his upper lip, the softness of his evening stubble, the way his eyebrows drew together ever so slightly as he met her gaze. It wasn’t until later that she would figure out that was what love looked like in its purest form. The way a lover looks at his love with nothing but his soul echoed in their eyes, ready and eager to share.

“So sorry again for your loss, Jamie. He was a good man.”

“Terribly sorry, my deary. You’ll be letting us know if ye’ll be needin’ of anything now.”

“I ken that yer father had some trouble with the harvest this year, I’ll be here to help ye next…we’ll if yer staying, that is…”

Jamie reached out and shook the man’s hand with as much patience as he had left. “Aye, aye. I will look forward to yer help, MacDonald.”

The man smiled with the same sympathetic eyes that been looking at Jamie the whole day and walked out the front door, leaving Lallybroch to only those who occupy its walls.

All the breath left Jamie as he shut the door behind the man and turned and slumped into her open arms. His stiff body turned boneless as she held him close, rocking back and forth slightly as he finally let himself relax.

“Shh, its over now…everything’s ok,” she clutched him tighter as the façade of the day began to fade and he let himself cry softly into her shoulder. Soundless, but with enough force to shake her.

“What do I do now, Claire? My parents are dead,” his voice cracked on the word dead and she thought it was the first time it had seemed actually real to him.  
“You move on. It’s all we can ever do, go forward with the scars from the past.”

He pulled back to look at her, hair disheveled and eyes puffy, “But how, mo nighean?”

It struck her that he was so young when his mother and brother died, he had forgotten how to grieve the recently lost.

“I wish I knew the answer, but putting one foot in front of the other is usually a good place to start.”

She got what she wanted, a little smile threatening to form on his red lips. Instinctively, she reached out and kissed them, relishing in the fact that she could. That he was hers, once and for all.

After she had confessed that she loved him, their relationship became quite easy, as she knew it always would. Jamie was still healing and without the temptation of sex, they let their old friendship bloom into the love it always was destined to be.

The few weeks after he could leave the bed, they walked the fields, hand in hand, as she always had pictured, as she had always ached for.

He told her about life in America and the emptiness he tried to fill with girls who looked nothing like her. She told him about medical school and her relationship with Frank. They cried and screamed and held one another until they were exhausted from feelings. But when the tears dried and the anger stopped, all their ghosts had been vanquished, left behind in the past where they belonged.

Except one, who was soon to be a ghost himself. About a month after Jamie’s accident, Brian took a turn for the worst and she knew there was no coming back from it.

When Jenny’s eyes pleaded with her to dispute the doctor’s words, when Jamie looked at her like a lost child after seeing his father’s ashen face, she wanted nothing more than to be able to reach out and heal Brian Fraser. Not only for himself, but for the children he would soon leave behind, leaving another generation to begin their own legacy.

But she had no words or power to fix what was to be, so all she could do was reach out and cradle Jenny’s distraught form when the news came that Brian had but days left on earth.

While he dozed in a coma like state, Jamie laid his head on his father’s shoulder as he had probably done so many times when he was small and held her own free hand tightly, trying to hold onto to something to get him through it.

Ian watched from the hall, holding his baby daughter and looking at her over the top of her brown curls as his eyes ached for his wife and brother. There was a silent agreement between them at that moment, that they had to hold their Frasers together as their foundation fell apart.

After the day he had slipped into his coma, Brian only woke once more, she hadn’t been there to see it, but Jamie told her that he made his peace.

And whatever that was, she hoped that Jamie had made his as well. Brian had died two days later, peacefully in his sleep, with both children at his side. She knew he had been ready. The only reason he had to live was to see his children grown and safe, but he had done his job and the call of his wife and other son was too hard to resist.

Now, as she sat with Jamie on the sofa of the big room, she knew that Brian would never really leave, that like the poem read today, he would be forever engrained in this house, in these lands, in his children.

And that’s what finally gave Jamie some peace as he sat with his head in her lap, talking over the last of the whiskey with Jenny and Ian, the children asleep at their feet and the fire crackling in the background.

A peace came over that had been missing for a long while, a peace that can only come when the stress of watching a loved one suffer had finally passed.  
They all talked for hours about everything and nothing, about the future and the past until the whiskey was gone and the fire died and all there was left to do was go to bed to wake up and start another day.

“Ach, that feels better,” Jamie moaned a little as she took off his brace to look at his hand the next night in his room. It had healed nicely and he would be able to start his exercises soon. He smiled as she told him such and grabbed her bottom with his good hand, making her jump in surprise.

“Perhaps, I can use this to help my recovery, aye?”

He ducked as she swatted at his head, but noted that her heart started beating a little faster.

Their intimate relationship had been, well, complicated. Jamie had still been incredibly weak and no matter how willing he was to risk injury and relapse, she put her foot down, no matter how much the ache between her legs said otherwise when he would bring her close with his good hand and kiss her so thoroughly and deeply, she could feel it in her toes. They had still shared a bed every night since, but did nothing more than comfort and hold despite the temptation.  
And then after his few weeks of recovery, they had been consumed with Brian. There hadn’t been much time to think about much else for Jamie besides grief. He had spent many nights at his bedside, thinking it would be the last.

But every small touch was a reminder about what was between them, they had only loved each other that one night five long years ago. The memory still lived like a flame inside them, resting in burning embers until they chose the moment to reignite the flames into a fire once more.

“Claire?”  
Glancing up at him, she saw the promise of those flames in his eyes as his touched seemed to burn through her t-shirt she wore to bed.

“Yes?” She breathed, hoping that he felt the same tingling as he touched her bare stomach.

“I want ye, mo nighean donn,” he whispered into her chest, kissing right above her breast. “Will ye have me?”  
Filing her lungs with air she knew she would need, she straddled his lap in almost pure desperation and took ahold of his hair with both hands and pressed an almost painful kiss to his mouth. “Yes…yes I’ll have you.”

Jamie moaned into her mouth and crushed his face to hers, making sure there was no room between their bodies, only friction.

Lost in a daze of desire, she didn’t remember too much of how they got to the bed, just the rasping of his stubble against her face, neck, and chest.  
It wasn’t how she had imagined their second time. In those lost years, she thought over and over about how it would be if she ever got to feel Jamie inside of her again. Lost in dreams or thinking of it while lying next to Frank or if Jamie said her name on the phone, reminding her of when he said her name when he came inside her, she would imagine it.

But as his legs eased hers open, she knew that she could have never gotten it right. Her memory wasn’t powerful enough to remember and evoke the feel of his body above hers.

“I ken it, Sassenach,” he said somewhere against her inner thigh, reading her mind as he had done so many times before. “There aren’t words for this.”

He touched her and she writhed against him, eager and wet under his fingers. “This, this…Christ that feels…god…this love, Claire. It’s all I ever want.”  
She watched as his face twisted into pleasure in the firelight as she held him, feeling his want and the echo of his words in his body.

Neither able to wait, she arched up enough for him to slip into her a little and she saw stars almost immediately. She cried out against his neck and his breath was hot on hers as their hair entangled and her legs wrapped tightly around his waist, bringing him closer.

“God, Claire…ah dhia,” he moaned and arched as she welcomed him deeper, not knowing –or wanted to know – where his body ended and hers began. It felt like the marriage of their skins was merging them together with every thrust.

“Jamie,” she whimpered as he came into her harder, answering her calls and erasing all memory of the others they had been with, leaving them with only the blazing heat of each other.  
“Oh, Jamie.”

Tears ran down her face and she felt wetness on his, whether from sweat or from tears. He kissed her tenderly then as he couldn’t be tender with his hips. Neither could she. There was too much to be said in that moment, there were no words, so their bodies talked in the language they had always shared and her thighs trembled in response to his call.

And when his back went stiff and her core shook until they both lay breathless, but finally in possession of each other, after all the years of longing and heartbreak and almosts, they clung and kissed and realized that the future was starting.

And they held the key to that door between them, and no matter what comes tomorrow, there would always be this moment. The moment where they felt their hearts beating as one, giving them both the gift of tomorrow.


	8. Chapter 8

“I remember it like it was yesterday, ye ken?”

Jamie’s hand clutched at hers, more weathered than it had once been, changed by the sun and the hardships and the joys of their life together. The joints and knuckles and scars told the story of a man and the life he had led. She thought her own marked hands would tell a similar narrative.

The sun was fading and twilight was coming on the chilly November evening. The twilight of their lives was here already though. And it seemed Jamie was nostalgic tonight. Over the whiskey while sitting side by side on the chairs of Lallybroch’s front porch, - the one he had built for her when she had once expressed the desire to watch the sunset while nursing- they talked about their lives, laughing at the memories, feeling the pain of the lost days.

Days filled with such joy. The memories would carry them into the next phase of their life. Memories of those early days of their marriage when it seemed that they had forever and the future was rolled out in front of them. She did remember it like yesterday.

~50 years earlier~

Jamie chuckled against her tight skin and it made goose bumps appear on all her flesh.

“I remember those dark, thick curls and those honey eyes. Well, I thought they were honey at the first, but I ken my error, they are the color of whiskey in the firelight. The most beautiful of eyes. Prettiest lass I ever saw, though she was a Sassenach.”

Jamie smiled again, she felt it against her. “But ye canna blame me for that, I dinna know she was one until I had already seen that fat arse. It was too late.”  
He ducked against the slap she swatted against the back of his head. 

“In truth though, nothing could have kept me from her. There were some rocks and some detours, but one thing I always will ken, is that yer mother and I will always find one another.”

Jamie pressed a gentle but strong kiss to where the baby had just kicked. It was his favorite routine, to tell the baby a story, mostly about their relationship, before bed, or well, before their more amorous activities. Stories from their life together. He said the baby should know how much their parents love each other, so they would know how much they loved their love’s creation.

She didn’t think the baby needed to know about how she once drank too much and passed out in Jamie’s dorm or how she had to half drag him into his bed after he could no longer find his feet; however, Jamie argued it showed their bond. She failed to see that.

“Goodnight, wee one.” He kissed her protruding belly button before pushing her shirt back in place and taking his normal position behind her, the best place to feel her arse and the movements of the baby, according to his male logic.

Tonight, sleep seemed a little far from his mind as his nose rubbed up and down her neck, kissing and flicking until she wiggled against him and felt his answering smile against her skin.

As he went to slide down her sleep shorts, she paused him and felt his confusion. She never stopped him. This was a first. But her skin felt tighter than ever, her stretch marks becoming more notable by the second. Her eight-month pregnant stomach was growing to be its own planet and though she loved what her body was doing, she couldn’t help but long for the days when Jamie could pull her against him in desire and not have to worry if he still saw the same desirable woman.

“Claire? What’s wrong? Do ye have the false pains again? Or is it the heartburn? I can go get ye something for it.”

Cringing a little, she took a deep breath, those statements didn’t exactly help her current mindset.  
“No, um, it’s fine. I mean…it’s nothing.”

He squinted in the dim light to see her face and she hoped it was too dark to read it as he always did.

He brushed a lock of hair from her face and traced her cheek with his thumb. “Then, what is it, Sassenach?”

He answered his own question before she could think of a response. “Is the bairn too big now, is love makin’ too troublesome for ye? It’s fine, Claire. I kent the day would probably come soon. I can imagine how all that rolling around the bairn does can be verra comfortable. Ye dinna need a husband trying to get inside ye too.”

She wanted to cry from his thoughtfulness. Always putting her first, always making sure she and the baby had everything they ever could need. A part of her had always wondered if his utter devotion was due to their years apart, all their lost time. With every second they spent together, he tried to fill it with twice as many, filled with support and understanding.

As he had vowed to do in their wedding vows. Never would she forget drowning in his blue eyes as he pledged himself to her in the simple, but elegant ceremony in the meadows of Lallybroch. Watching his lip quiver and eyes glisten with unshed tears was a memory so strong in its power that it warmed her heart in the dead of winter.

It had been bittersweet in a way. Neither sets of their parents had been there, Jamie feeling the sharp loss of his father’s fresh grave but 100 yards away from where they took their vows. But they had family there, their niece and nephew who gave them sight of the future and a tenderness at the thought of children they might create.

And Jenny, standing tall beside her brother, as she always did, with Ian standing by her side, as he always was. A strong reminder to them both of the family that would always be there to support them in their new journey together. Jenny was kinder to her than ever before. A part of her thought she was trying to make up for her father’s attempt to separate her from Jamie.

And at the end, Jamie’s kiss was a promise of everlasting love that she knew she would still be able to feel when they were buried in the ground.  
It was with the thought of the look in his eyes at the wedding and the same look he was giving her now, looking up at her with such tenderness, that gave her self-conscious skin the courage to speak up.

“I’m just feeling a bit uncomfortable. I’m a planet,” she laughed gently, trying to make light of it as to not get overwhelmed, as she always seemed to do these days.

Jamie frowned and rubbed her stomach again. “What can I do, Claire?”

“Nothing, Jamie. Just love me. Your touch makes everything go away.”

His brows drew together even more, but she felt him throbbing against her thigh and knew it wouldn’t take much convincing.

“Sometimes I just get a little self-conscious. I know, it’s silly, but I’m not used to all this extra me,” she gestured to her mountain of a stomach and gave a hard laugh.

The sound was barely out of her mouth before his lips were on hers with enough passion to light the house on fire, and with it melting away all her worries.  
“Claire,” he panted against her lips a few moments later. “You’ve always be the most beautiful thing in my world, but now,” he trailed off as his gaze and hands moved over her curvaceous body. Over her sensitive breasts, down to the curve of her stomach to the fullness of her hips before curving between her legs, making her gasp into his mouth.

“But now,” he mumbled again. “With my baby in your belly, you are the sexiest thing I have ever seen.”

Then, he showed her. With every kiss and lick and thrust. She never did feel sexier than when he was deep inside her, making them both sweat with his efforts, his hands gripping her full breasts to stabilize himself until they both were left gasping and satisfied.

Being pregnant was a gift to them both. Never did a day go by as she carried their first child without Jamie pressing a kiss to her belly or without her humming softly towards the bump.

Both never not aware of the miracle they had made together. After all their hardships and heartbreaks, something so pure and wonderful had come of the pain and sacrifice. And she would never forget the moment when Jamie placed their tiny daughter into her arms.

Under the bright hospital lights, the squirming, bloody, but quiet body snuggled against her heart with a warmth that never left her chest. Through all the years, even when Faith was much to big to fit in her arms, she could remember the small body against her heart for the first time.

When she finally was able to look away from the miracle of her daughter’s face, she looked up at Jamie and saw the tears running down his face as he gazed at them, knowing she didn’t need any words, that there would never be any words in the universe to convey such love.

That same look of love never faded with age, but evolved into a furrowed brow of worry with every sneeze and scrape of the knee.

“Da! It hurts,” Faith whimpered on the kitchen counter as Jamie dabbed a little disinfectant into her cut knee.

“I ken, mo chridhe. It’s almost over.”

Jamie’s face looked like it was in more distressed than Faith as he tended to her cuts. She was usually in charge of medical aspects of raising children, but she hadn’t been there when Faith had yelped in pain.

The big bulge of her second child kept her from sprinting down the stairs as Jamie had when he heard his daughter’s cry of pain. Jamie was a dream as a father. He was there for every bedtime story and every bath, taking the brunt of the work sometimes when her days at the hospital in town ran long. Never complaining, but cherishing every moment.

It was enough that when they found out they would be parents again, she felt no fear. When the light came into his eyes when the test had turned positive, she knew that she would have seven children just to see that unfathomable look of adoration in his eyes. 

“Mama, whys yer belly so big?” Faith’s wide, three-year-old eyes asked as she patted her stomach while in bed with them one night.  
“Remember, we told you that you’re going to be a big sister?”

Faith’s blue eyes blinked at both of them. Jamie chuckled and picked her up, bringing her to rest between their bodies, pressing her small hand to the place the baby had kicked a few moments before.

“Ye see, Faith, before ye can become a sister, Mama has to grow the baby until they are strong enough to come out.”

Faith’s eyes bugged and she jerked her hand back as she felt a nudge from her unborn sibling. Jamie watched with amused eyes as Faith gently brought her hand back to rub at the spot where she felt the kick.

“There, there, baby sister,” Faith cooed, while curving her small body around hers, content as Jamie slowly brushed through her dark curls.  
Jamie looked at her across the mass of their daughter’s curls, so like her own, and smirked.

“Another lass, aye?”

She simply smiled and snuggled into her daughter before drifting off. But not before she heard him mumble a prayer.

It turned out Faith was right and her sister, Brianna, was born two months later after a 37-hour labor that had left both she and Jamie so exhausted, they vowed to never have another.

But that pain ebbed as they counted their second, but no less miraculous, daughter’s fingers and toes. And there was no greater feeling than when those little fingers clung onto her as she nursed and cooed over their little Bree.

Jamie played with the wispy red hair atop of Bree’s head while keeping her tight against him in the small hospital bed. She had never been so grateful he had asked her not to have a home birth because she didn’t think she could have endured the long two days without medication.

“She’s got your hair,” she spoke softly, not wanting to wake their snoozing daughter.

“Aye, but she’s got your bitty ears,” Jamie laughed and brushed a finger down Bree’s soft cheek, making her crinkle her small nose in the cutest way.   
He leaned down to kiss Bree’s red hairs and then kissed her own forehead. “Thank ye for my children,” he breathed against her skin and then again against her lips before they both looked back down at their sleeping child.

And so their little life of four began as they brought their new tiny thing back to Lallybroch. Back to their home in every sense of the word. And she and Jamie grew with them, gaining more patience as they became toddlers, children, teenagers.

They pulled their hair out when Faith came home two hours past curfew. Jamie punched the kitchen door after he caught a 17-year-old Bree in the shed with a boy. They cried together when Faith left to pursue her education in medicine, following in her mother’s footsteps. Every moment of their lives was filled with love though, even the hard times.

The times when she became busy at work and failed to be the wife Jamie needed her to be. The times when Jamie was gone too long promoting one of his many successful books. The long days after Ian had been diagnosed with lung cancer. And the terrifying moments when Jamie went to the doctor.

She knew there was always a chance he or Jenny might have the gene of their father’s cancer. The terrible cells that might take him from her forever. She would put on a smile and laugh as they waited for results, trying desperately to show him she wasn’t worried when all she wanted to do in those moment was jump off a cliff, anything to keep her from the anxious pain.

There was relief when the results were negative, but sorrow in recognizing their own mortality.

“Claire, if something should happen to me…,” Jamie began to say, but she cut him off with a harsh look. 

“Nothing is going to happen to you, Jamie. The results were negative. There is no reason to believe-”

He cut her off, but more gently this time. “Just because the results were negative this time doesn’t mean they always will be.”

He patted her back, smoothing his hand up and down her spine as he knew always calmed her down. They had been cleaning up dinner after their two teenage daughters scarfed down their meal, too eager to chew, least they miss even a moment of the concert they were so eager to get to. 

She said nothing, but scrubbed a dish harder, her brow furrowed, trying to ignore what her husband was saying.

He took the spotless plate from her and wrapped her in his arms, not caring her hands were soapy and wet as they clung to the back of his shirt. She felt him, alive and healthy. Her rock, her love. She flinched at any thought of having this taken from her. 

He smoothed her curls down and kissed her ear. “I ken ye dinna like thinkin’ of it. I don’t care for it either, much. But just listen.”

He waited a moment, making sure that she wouldn’t run from his next words.

He spoke slowly and measured against her ear. “I’ve gotten everything in order, the wills, the deeds, the girls savings. It’s all in the office desk. I ken your ability to survive, Claire. It’s something I’ve always loved about ye, that resilience.”

He pulled back to look in her glistening eyes, pressing a kiss to where one tear threatened to fall. He put both hands on her cheeks, his eyes boring into hers. “There are so many times in your life where you have had to be strong, to take care of everything. I just want ye to know, everything is taken care of.”  
Pressing his forehead to hers, he whispered against her lips. “Even if I’m no here in body, I’ll still always be taking care of ye.”

And he always did.

~Present day, 2067~

Jamie smiled at her, his eyes crinkling, but those same bonny blue eyes that swept her off her feet so many years ago.

“What are you thinking about, mo ghraidh?”

She held his hand more tightly in her own, feeling their wedding bands click together.

“I was thinking about infinities, actually.”

He raised his eyebrow at her. She smiled. After 50 years, most couples don’t need verbal communication. They create their own language, forged through love and loss.

She gazed out into the valley before her, watching as the sun dipped below the horizon.  
“When I was young, I used to think that infinity wasn’t possible, that everything ends,” she trailed off, looking to the sky, to the stars. “But after these years, after us…I do believe in certain infinities.”

She turned to him and his gaze was as warm as ever, replacing the set sun. “I believe in infinite love. That we will live on forever in a way. Through the children and grandchildren. That our love will never really die,” her voice got thick at the end, breaking a little.

Surprised by her sudden emotion, she dabbed her eye with the sleeve of her shirt as Jamie continued to look at her for a long moment.

Finally, he smiled at her, eyes soft and adoring. He brought her hand to his lips and then pressed it tightly to his chest, feeling his beating heart merge with her own pulse.

“Infinity has no limits, mo nighean donn. And neither do we.”

And as twilight turned to night, they sat there still, hearts beating together in the echo of their own infinity.


End file.
